Time, money and thanks

I’ll be honest with you- as much as I like sharing, I don’t want to share the bad stuff. That’s natural right? Yes and No. 
Leaving my job has been great in some ways and awful in others. I hope that sharing my ups and downs hopefully provides you with succor and inspiration at some point in your lives. 
A recent blog post I read entitled Could your darkest Moment be a huge gift?, encouraged me to reframe my current position and recognise that recently I have gained a new perspective of my views on money and time.  
Let’s start with Time.
From my last post, you know myself and time sometimes have an uneasy relationship. Given that I now work part time, I find myself with rather more time than I am comfortable with.  However my good friend Livia shared with me that we have to break free of believing work has to be Monday to Friday, from 9am to 5pm. She showed me how she creates routine in the days she is not working by working on her personal projects. This was eye opening for me and I started to think about volunteering on a few of the days that I am off. I am also thinking about doing a season abroad. 
Time works in two ways- I have so much free time that I find myself watching TV on my laptop for hours but also have the time to spend the night at friends houses because I don’t have to go to work the next day. I have seen more of my Dad and siblings because I can pop over there during the day. I have hung out at the Wellcome Collection with one of my old students and nipped into Somerset House whilst joining temp agencies. I joined Magda in visiting the Zabludowicz Gallery and had my first ice cream from Marine Ices. But sometimes its hard and I just stay indoors, glued to my laptop searching  for jobs or just wasting time. Because time, unlike money, I have plenty of!
‘Money, money, money. Must be funny. In the rich man’s world’. 

I do not consider myself a materialistic person, nor do I consider myself a person that values money highly apart from a means to an end. However having to live off off a small amount of money has forced me to use the money I have got in quite a different way. Walking to work is not only quick but free! Having a weekly travelcard seems like an expensive luxury, I think twice before spending £2 on one tube journey when I used to take the tube every day, sometimes several times in one day. Socialising has taken on a new hue, eating out is not an option so I have to cook. I have now learnt how to make a passable dahl and made a very nice vegetarian curry for a group of friends. I have learnt to ignore bills and am tempted to cancel my monthly contact lenses. I miss my old pay cheque (which now seems quite large!). 

Transitional periods like this are difficult and I am hoping that i’ll get a part time job or volunteer placement soon. I have been reading Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning which has the existential premise of finding meaning in your life even in the most depressing and shocking of circumstances ( he has survived being in a concentration camp). I think that having more of a routine and something to do will help give me that meaning.

I am still trying to stay thankful- I am thankful to……
Livia for her support, advice and encouragement; 
Brenda for listening and empathising with me and also cooking me an excellent dinner; Devina for asking me to cook Sunday dinner which I really enjoyed and for providing me with a style consultation; 
Sam for listening to me and giving me some great pointers on work; 
Matt for treating me to a lovely weekend in Leeds; 
Hannah and Charlotte for my leaving present.
Paul for giving me a new work contact
and finally Mike for loaning me his SLR.

Fear, Trust & Love

Recently I had a falling out with a close friend. Their behaviour contravened the innate trust found in close friendships. However, through my anger and tears, I was able to acknowledge the root of my reaction to their behaviour: Fear & Trust.

Fear is like an accessory you wear most days. You clip it into your hair or slide it on to your finger because its familiar. Fear is all the actions you don’t take. I don’t always realise fear is there but It shows its presence by inhibiting me whenever something scary or maybe just different is on the horizon. Fear feels different for each person, I find fear makes me nervous, unable to sleep, insecure and encourages a tendency to pretend that things aren’t happening. My friend forced me to acknowledge that something was indeed changing in my life and I was not ready to openly acknowledge that change and so I was angry. Why? Because making a change means having the faith that everything will work out for the best. That I will have to persevere with the choices I now make, responsible for my own actions. And I struggle with my fear that I am going to make a huge mistake, that I will have no money, I’m coming too far out of my comfort zone. Yet a woman that I greatly admire told me I was brave. Over the coming months, I hope to be brave.

I mentioned trust earlier; trust is not only about the trust you have in other people, but often more tellingly, the trust you have in yourself, to fulfil your potential and live the life you are meant to live. Most self-help literature will encourage you to trust in your beliefs and potential and most importantly to trust that everything will be ok. As a optimist-in-training, trust is a big deal to me, not only in cultivating a better life but also in being less of a control freak! I have to trust that everything will go ok without really knowing the outcome. So I am working on trusting myself more. I read a fantastic Tony Robbins (motivational speaker/ coaching guru) quote recently on The Daily love (blog on making your life better with love). “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty that you can comfortably live with.”  This had a resonance with me as I hate uncertainty and try to plan as much as I can, as far in advance as possible. So this gave me some food for thought.

I have been grappling with fear and trust over the weekend but in the end, by overcoming part of my fear I ended up going to a gig with an attractive man and had a good evening. So I am thankful to the Wise one who encouraged me to go to said gig; for Basil’s visit which resulted in a visit to the British museum, a very good ratatouille and a present of macaroons! And I am thankful that I spoke to both of my younger brothers today and that I was able to be of use to them. Finally a note on love- love yourself as well as you love others. For me that meant putting up some pictures that had been languishing in my bedroom and writing this blog.