Trying to lean into loss & change

In the next 10 days three key things in my life will happen:

1. I will launch my book ‘All The Things I Learnt From You’ on the 22nd March.

2. I will attend a training weekend for my my up coming role in Cambodia with VSO .

3. I will move back to my mother’s house and back into my teenage room which my mother is generously giving me.

It seems that loss comes in more than one way, as does large change. By moving out I have been given £1000s of fees to pay. Only yesterday BT told me I would need to pay £358 to be released from my contract because I did not tell them by last Friday. The week before that the estate agent told me that I would need to pay £725 in re-letting fees to move out. This not including the rent I have paid on an empty bedroom for two months. Nor the bills or money spent on the basics a home needs like knives and forks! I need to raise £650 for my Cambodia placement or there is the risk I cant go. So I need to spend money on my events, money I dont really have to make sure this dream happens. Money is flowing out of my bank account, leaving me feeling unstable and insecure.

I passionately wanted for change to come. I wanted a new flat, a new boyfriend and a new job. I wanted to replace each important thing I lost in 2017. For 2018 to be better than 2017. In some respects it is.

I got a new job but it’s not right, so now is a good time to move on. I have got some great organisations on my CV that I have worked with and learnt new skills. I am just about to interview for a summer job which will give me some financial stability and new skills if I get it.

I got a new flat but being unable to financially support living here solo, it’s time to leave here as well. I have learnt how to make a empty flat a home and have at times been more comfortable living alone. Moving to a new place made me feel I truly had a new beginning and more able to leave the past behind.

As for love. Well dating will have to wait. For now. The love of my life is out there somewhere. I hope!

I wanted change and I am getting it. Sometimes I feel I am adrift, that every time I try to settle, the sand shifts. It’s not a nice feeling. So in 10 days time, things will have changed again. And I am hoping that I can lean into this change and not be broken further by it.

If you want to support me, donate on my just giving page or send me a message.

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