Fear, Trust & Love

Recently I had a falling out with a close friend. Their behaviour contravened the innate trust found in close friendships. However, through my anger and tears, I was able to acknowledge the root of my reaction to their behaviour: Fear & Trust.

Fear is like an accessory you wear most days. You clip it into your hair or slide it on to your finger because its familiar. Fear is all the actions you don’t take. I don’t always realise fear is there but It shows its presence by inhibiting me whenever something scary or maybe just different is on the horizon. Fear feels different for each person, I find fear makes me nervous, unable to sleep, insecure and encourages a tendency to pretend that things aren’t happening. My friend forced me to acknowledge that something was indeed changing in my life and I was not ready to openly acknowledge that change and so I was angry. Why? Because making a change means having the faith that everything will work out for the best. That I will have to persevere with the choices I now make, responsible for my own actions. And I struggle with my fear that I am going to make a huge mistake, that I will have no money, I’m coming too far out of my comfort zone. Yet a woman that I greatly admire told me I was brave. Over the coming months, I hope to be brave.

I mentioned trust earlier; trust is not only about the trust you have in other people, but often more tellingly, the trust you have in yourself, to fulfil your potential and live the life you are meant to live. Most self-help literature will encourage you to trust in your beliefs and potential and most importantly to trust that everything will be ok. As a optimist-in-training, trust is a big deal to me, not only in cultivating a better life but also in being less of a control freak! I have to trust that everything will go ok without really knowing the outcome. So I am working on trusting myself more. I read a fantastic Tony Robbins (motivational speaker/ coaching guru) quote recently on The Daily love (blog on making your life better with love). “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty that you can comfortably live with.”  This had a resonance with me as I hate uncertainty and try to plan as much as I can, as far in advance as possible. So this gave me some food for thought.

I have been grappling with fear and trust over the weekend but in the end, by overcoming part of my fear I ended up going to a gig with an attractive man and had a good evening. So I am thankful to the Wise one who encouraged me to go to said gig; for Basil’s visit which resulted in a visit to the British museum, a very good ratatouille and a present of macaroons! And I am thankful that I spoke to both of my younger brothers today and that I was able to be of use to them. Finally a note on love- love yourself as well as you love others. For me that meant putting up some pictures that had been languishing in my bedroom and writing this blog.

Making time to write a note each day…

As some of you may know, this blog started as a means for me to appreciate more in my life. To do this, I am to write a blog post about what I am thankful for each day; and/ or three things things that have gone well during the day. I have been pretty good at this, however recently I have been on an emotional roller coaster and have not been as diligent with my online posts. However, I have recognised that good things happen everyday and have been noting them on my bedroom calendar. I want to share with you the good things that have been happening in my life here:

Taking the time each day, even for a few minutes to record what has been positive is a good move forward for me. I am a hoarder and really like the idea of keeping this calendar as a physical record of my 364 days of love! 

One of the new things that has made me thankful is my wonderful new camera. I have been out and about taking pictures such as the below (taken in Nottingham &work kitchen) and love being able to capture small moments. I have the C4 New Year Revolution to thank, as one of my daily challenges was to document my life for a day. I did this and really enjoyed it and also realised that photos were the best way to show my Gambian friends what my life is like in the UK. You can check out my photos here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/364daysoflove/